Catwoman Review: Part 1

Nooooooooo……

I don’t wanna do it. I don’t wanna do it. But I have to do it. I have to do it.

*Sighs* Hello again, dear readers. Uncanny Fox here, continuing my review series on the theatrical Batman films with a look at the first half of 2004’s spinoff movie, Catwoman. Yes, we’re doing this. Don’t you dare close out of this page. If I must suffer, so do you.

But first, some backstory. As I mentioned at the end of my Batman Returns review, a spinoff film featuring Michelle Pfeiffer as the feline fem-fatale and Tim Burton returning to direct. Daniel Waters, the writer of Returns, penned a script featuring Selina Kyle facing off against superheroes at a resort in a fictional version of Los Vegas. But then complications happened. Burton wasn’t sure if he wanted to make this movie or an adaptation of Edgar Allen Poe’s “The Fall Of The House Of Usher,” which I don’t think he ever did anyway. Michelle Pfeiffer had to pull out due to motherhood and commitment to other projects. And Warner Bros… just kinda put the whole thing on the back burner for several years.

Production finally picked back up in 2001, now being directed by French filmmaker Pitoff, whose only notable American credit before this was being a visual effects supervisor and Second Unit director for Alien: Resurrection. Not exactly inspiring confidence here. Ashley Judd was set to play the lead role, but eventually dropped out. Gee, I wonder why, having seen the finished product. Nicole Kidman was considered as a replacement, but the studio decided on then up-and-comer Halle Berry of X-Men fame to ultimately take on the part. Making this the first time we had a movie featuring a cat-themed superhero of color fighting evil with razor-sharp claws. And the first mainstream superhero film starring a woman. And was probably used as an excuse as to why we had to wait about a decade before getting either of those things again.

Indeed, this movie was a failure on every level, not because of the gender or ethnicity of its main character, but because it was a poorly written, poorly shot, poorly acted mess of a film. Honestly, I’ve managed to go most of my post-2004 life without seeing this until just recently, when I started doing this blog. Once I did see it though, my worst fears were realized. I’ve put this off long enough, let’s take a look at… this, and see for ourselves just… why…

The movie begins with the opening credits, as a bunch of ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs and old newspaper clippings of women and cats float across the screen. And more importantly, women dressed up like cats running around stealing priceless jewels and fighting crime. I’m sure any one of these accounts would make for a much better movie than the one we’re about to see.

After about 3 minutes (seriously, this thing goes on forever), the story finally starts proper by showing us… Halle Berry underwater, narrating about how the day she died was also the day she started to live.

It then cuts to a crappy CGI render of New York, where Patience Phillips, played by Halle in a feeble attempt to make Halle Berry look homely, is on her way to work. Yeah, you’ll notice that she’s not Selina Kyle, but rather a new character taking up the mantle. We see Selina in a picture later on, so is this supposed to be set in the Burton/ Schumacher universe? Oh God, this is the first attempt to create a cinematic superhero universe with interlocking movies and recurring characters, isn’t it? Anyway, Patience narrates about how she was supposed to be an artist at this point in her life, but instead she’s stuck designing ads for beauty cream.

Beauty cream that her best friend Sally, the stereotypical “chubby BFF” of this little Rom-Com, is addicted to. The stuff, called “Beau-Line,” isn’t going to be production for a few weeks, but BFF was able to get early access by… seducing the guy in the stock room, I guess. Anyway, she then complains about headaches she’s been having lately…

Over in the boardroom, some British-sounding CEO dude is giving a meeting about the cream, which he says is going to be the greatest thing to happen to the skin-care industry since soap. Apparently, it reverses the effects of aging, same as every other miracle product you see on infomercials. I tried some of that stuff once, is the green rash normal?

Watching over this is his wife, played by Sharon Stone (you’d probably recognize her as being married to Icenator in the original Total Recall), who’s announcing her retirement from modeling for the company after 15 years. It’s pretty clear from the looks she and her husband are giving each other during this that their marriage is one of those failed celebrity ones with one foot in the grave and another on Divorce Court with Judge Lynn Toler. And surprise, surprise, the replacement for Sharon’s job as top model is also CEO Guy’s side piece. In any case, there’s a gala planned to celebrate Beau-Line, during which they plan to introduce the new girl to the masses.

Meanwhile, BFF is trying to reassure Patience that her ad for Beau-Line will turn out fine as they overhear CEO Guy arguing with Sharon Stone about her behavior at the presentation. Literally every scene with either one of these two, we get a not-so-subtle reminder that they’re unhappy with their shared life together. I mean, we get it, you two hate each other. Your marriage is horrible. Just kill each other and be done with it.

Patience walks in just as the silent treatment kicks in. Unfortunately, CEO isn’t pleased with her work: the red is the wrong shade, and he wants it “darker.” And Patience won’t be able to simply change it in time for some reason. Uh, wasn’t Photoshop a thing in 2004? This is a really easy fix. You just open it up, click the Eyedropper tool, click the color you want to change, set the slider down to the requested tone, click “Okay,” click the Paintbucket tool, then click on the parts you want to change. Not the end of the world. And another thing: “darker?” How much darker? Just a tiny bit? Full on burgundy? Your orders are too darn vague.

But CEO treats this like a capital offense, berating Patience and insulting her outfit, for little reason else than to be a dick.  Sharon Stone steps in on Patience’s behalf and convinces CEO to give her another chance. He wants the corrected version done by midnight the next day, instead of by the end of work or something normal like that. Who asks for something by midnight? It’s like this guy is making a concerted effort to be the most illogical person in this movie. Kind of like everyone else.

That night, Patience finds herself unable to sleep due to the rave party doing on next door, presided over by a dude who looks like a failed attempt to recreate early 2000’s Era Triple H. She calls out to them from the window and meekly asks them to turn the music down, but the crowd laughs her off. After that, she looks down to find a cat, sitting on top of a motorcycle, which vanishes after she looks away for a second. Then she just goes back to bed. Without, you know, calling up the landlord from that apartment and filing a formal complaint. For that matter, why hasn’t anyone else done that? Patience can’t be the only person living in this building, and if the music was loud enough to bother her, surely it was loud enough to bother everyone else.

The cat comes back the next morning, as Patience is hard at work painting something. She sees the cat hanging outside her window and decides to let it in. That never works well. First they ask for food, next thing you know there’s claw marks and cat hair all over the place. Then again, considering how bland the apartment is, maybe claw marks and cat hair might be an improvement. But when she opens the window, the cat has already climbed up a ledge.

Not knowing better, Patience climbs out the window after it, and immediately slips and falls to her death for her troubles. End Credits. Well, that was a short movie, onto the Pros and Cons…

 

I’m kidding. Of course she’s doesn’t fall, but she comes pretty close. Down below, a cop, played by Benjamin Bratt of Law And Order fame (oh, and he was also the guy who told Dr. Strange about the Ancient One’s temple), sees her up on the ledge and thinks she’s trying to kill herself. His name is Tom Lone (he’s a loner, get it?) and he’s our love interest for this film, so naturally he pulls over and tries to talk her down. She tries to explain that she’s rescuing a cat, but the cat is gone, probably laughing its tail off over how the humans fell for it once again. She slips further, causing the cop to ask her for her apartment number and run up to save her. He catches her just in time, much to the delight of the onlookers down below.

They go back inside, where Patience spots the cat now climbing her desk. But that will have to wait, though, as she’s running late for work. She drops her wallet, which the cop picks up.

At the company building, Sharon Stone glares at the new girl while CEO Guy tells her she’s getting old. He also lets it slip that she’s using the Beau-Line herself, which makes me wonder: wouldn’t it make more sense to have an older person endorsing the cream? To demonstrate its anti-aging effects? Heck, that’s what companies like Cover Girl do all the time. And you wouldn’t have to leave out the other chick, you can have more than one person endorsing something at a given time.

The subject changes to a scientist named Slavicky, who’s apparently working on the Beau-Line, as he won’t stop calling about something. He then goes on a tangent about how you have to keep coddling models, which is why he keeps on dating them. I mean, if they’re such a pain in the rear end, why bother? Is it just because you think having the public see you with an attractive woman makes you look like some kind of alpha mal… wait, nevermind…

Over at Patience’s office, our heroine is hard at work on the redesign when the cop, referred by her stereotypically gay co-worker as “Man-Sandwich,” (trust me people, hearing it’s as cringe-inducing as reading about it, and if you happen to be gay yourself, I’m sorry that you’ve been drug through the mud like this) arrives to give her back her purse.

Patience awkwardly introduces him to BFF, who runs off a list of things his name rhymes with in some weird form of flirting. She then leaves, and Man-Sandwich checks out some of Patience’s artwork, saying that it reminds him of “early Chagall” and that it’s “reminiscent of the old Dutch masters.” He googled that, you see. Too bad he missed the part where Marc Chagall was French-Russian, not Dutch. I actually googled it, and that was literally the first thing to come up.

He then asked her out to coffee at “this great Italian place,” which probably means the establishment in question is actually British or something. Patience says yes after some not-so-subtle urging by BFF. Who then flirts with the guy some more. Lady, are you in this for yourself or your friend?

Once he’s gone, BFF and Stereotypically Gay Coworker give her some advice about dating, telling her to shave her legs and put on that leather outfit she has tucked away in the closet. Patience responds by saying that she will never, ever wear that leather outfit, which is what Halle Berry should have said when she saw the Catwoman suit for this movie. But more on that later.

The rest of the day literally fast-forwards with Patience herself moving at regular speed (so, she’s like in reverse-Flashtime or something? Wouldn’t that make her less productive?), until night falls and she calls in about the finished ad she needs to have delivered. The post office is closed or something, so she has to take it to CEO Guy herself. Now, I know E-mail was a thing in 2004…

She heads over to a hidden warehouse guarded by one guy leaning against a car to make her delivery. Plot twist: CEO isn’t even there, and there isn’t even any indication beforehand that he was going to be there. How did Patience even find the place, anyway? In any case, the front door is locked and nobody seems to be there, so she sneaks in the back way.

Inside, Sharon Stone and the Slavicky guy from before are having a moral debate regarding Beau-Line, which has some rather nasty side effects. But it isn’t the headaches or the nausea or the fainting spells or even the fact that the stuff is addictive that are giving him second thoughts, all of which would have any doctor worth their PHD running to the FDA for a lawsuit. No, it’s the admittedly bad late-stage facial damage that make him want to withdraw. Sharon insists that the disfigurement will only happen if the customers stop using the cream, but Slavicky tells her that he “can’t live with turning people into monsters.”

That’s right, people. If you have a facial disfigurement through no fault of your own, you are a monster. Doesn’t matter what kind of person you are on the inside. I’ll also point out that this movie is aimed at young women, and this is exactly the sort of thing they don’t need to take to heart. Now, that probably wasn’t what the writers were going for, but this scene should have been worded better.

It should have been filmed better too, as every shot is fuzzy and off-center. That could be applied to the rest of the movie as well, but it’s especially noticeable here. This film’s just not great to look at. Which is ironic when you remember that Halle Berry is involved.

Patience wonders in on this little meeting and overhears all of it as Slavicky demands a recall. She bumps into a stack of beakers, causing Sharon to send her bodyguards after her. They chase her through the warehouse, even calling in the guy leaning outside to help. All without any of them getting a good look at her face. Convenient.

They follow her into the stock room, where she tries to hide, but they spot her shadow. One of the goons takes a shot at her, and she runs out into some room with pipes. Then comes a room with chain-link fences, as Mr. Trigger-Happy fires off a few more unsuccessful shots. This leads into what seems to be the sewer pipe, which Patience crawls inside after sliding down a slope.

The goons call Sharon about this, and she tells them to “get rid of her.” I.E. the thing they’ve been trying to do this whole time. They seal the door to the pipe, leaving Patience trapped as she gets blown around in the dark by the air coming from vents. She panics and runs through the tunnel, only to reach a dead end overlooking a long drop down. Then a big stream of water smacks into her, straight out of Looney Tunes, to flush her down to her death. End credits.

Wow. Okay, that ended on a downer. Welp, time to talk about those Pros and Cons…

 

I’m kidding, again. That’s not the end of the movie. As Patience floats dead in the lake, the cat from before appears, now in crappy CGI, to… psychically lift Patience from the water? Wait, what? What’s going on… oh no… Then a bunch of other cats… the magic cats …come and surround it as it crawls onto her chest… not this again… and… breathes cat magic into her mouth to bring her back from the dead.

…PffffffffffffffffHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

I’m sorry, let me repeat that: The magic cats breathe into Halle Berry’s mouth to bring her back from the dead! I thought this resurrection thing was weird in Batman Returns, but at least there all the cats did was lick Michelle Pfeiffer’s face and bite her fingers. It was stupid, but not on the level of this. Here, the cats literally give her CPR without the actual kiss of life, and it looks just as cheesy as my text describes it as. Why? Why do movie versions of Catwoman keep trying to make this a thing? It will never not be laughable, and each version looks worse.

Nonetheless, Patience wakes up and starts freaking out due to horribly rendered CGI seagulls in slow motion. Let me point out that every time this movie tries to do slow motion, it’s via this weird zooming/blurring effect that will likely give you nightmares for all the wrong reasons. Then she tries to catch a spider. Because she’s a cat now. The resurrection apparently gave her cat instincts, a fact that everyone either watching this movie or having been involved in its creation regrets.

She heads home through the alleyways, crouched over like she’s going to try to eat somebody. Then she reaches her apartment, and we get more bad CG as she climbs up the fire escape. Then she looks at her own reflection in the window and… smashes it? I guess it’s a metaphor for how she rejects the meek person she used to be, but combined with the rest of her behavior in this film, it looks like she’s having a freakout. She crawls in as the magic cat on the motorcycle meows in approval. And all the while, she has this dead look in her eyes like she’s stoned or something. Not to say I’d ever indulge the stuff, but if I had to act out this awful script, it would be mighty tempting…

Come the next morning, Patience wakes up on a shelf, with no memory of dying and having slept there the whole night. Get it, because she’s a cat now? She falls to the floor and lands on her feet as BFF calls on her answering machine, congratulating her for the date and the ad presentation that she forgot about. She then gets a call from Detective Man-Sandwich, who’s over to the “Italian” coffee place and starting to think she snubbed him. He tells her he’s leaving to go to work.

The cat shows up again, having crawled in through the broken window while she was sleeping. Patience picks it up and notices the collar around its neck. She pulls out a slip of paper from a locket, revealing the cat’s owner and home address: Opheila Powers at 647 Elm Street. Figures. You notice in every movie, all the bad stuff happens on Elm Street?

She heads over to the old house at the address, where a creepy old cat lady greets her and welcomes her inside. The lady, Opheila Powers, explains that the cat’s name is Midnight and that she’s an Egyptian Mau. Not sure why you’d name a grey cat Midnight, but maybe that’s just me. She goes on about how Maus are the “rarest of cat breeds” and that they’re said to have magic powers. Like bringing people back from the dead by breathing into their mouths. I’m not going to let that go. She notices how the rest of her cats have gathered around Patience, and that she seems a little out of it.

Patience turns to leave, then Crazy Cat Lady tosses her some catnip, and… well… she starts huffing the stuff like she’s an addict. There’s no nicer way to put it. It’s just as awkward to watch as it is to type about.

She then leaves, walking down the street and repeatedly telling herself she’s fine. Which I’m sure is what Halle had to do constantly all through filming.

Back at the office, CEO berates her for missing the deadline, giving a spot-on reenactment of what the WB execs told Pitof once the reviews for this movie came in. He stops for a moment to catch her doodling a picture of him with devil horns, causing her to apologize. After he rejects this, she “tries the remix,” going off about how he’s an untalented, unethical egomaniac. Naturally, he fires her. She freaks out, begging him to come back, all the while BFF, Stereotypically Gay Coworker and everyone else in the office gives her a standing ovation. Okay, I’ll admit, seeing Patience give CEO the business gave me a slight smile. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.

Outside, Patience tries to explain to BFF how she couldn’t control what she was saying back there. She gets distracted by some dogs and hisses at them, causing BFF to wonder what’s up with her. You see, she’s a cat now, get it? Then she sees a big diamond on display in a jewelry store and is memorized, barely noticing BFF comically passing out behind her.

She takes BFF to the hospital, where the latter is more concerned with the attractive doctor who checked her out than the fact that nobody knows what’s wrong with her. She then asks Patience about Detective Man-Sandwich, and Patience answers that it won’t work out. BFF insists that she let love in, however, telling her to give Man-Sandwich “some brown sugah,” whatever the heck that means. She then gets wheeled over to the “hot doctor” for more tests.

Speaking of Detective Man-Sandwich, he’s over at a school giving a speech to the kids about not doing drugs or something as Patience shows up to interrupt him while he’s working. He decides to take the kids out to play some basketball as she explains that she called the station to apologize and give him some coffee. So, apparently “brown sugah” is code for coffee, which in itself is code for sex. Learned that bit from my man, Luke Cage.

Outside, Man-Sandwich explains how he prefers to be a lone wolf, never fitting in with partners because he “takes his job too seriously.” Patience responds by saying BFF thinks she’s “fun-deficient,” prompting the kids to request she take Man-Sandwich on in a game of one-on-one basketball, which the pair oblige.

This is a mistake, as it leads to what has got to be the weirdest, most nauseating game of street hoops I’ve ever seen. The fast cuts, low angels and ridiculously quick movements make it tough to watch. They don’t even seem to be scoring either, just showing off and flirting with each other. We even get a random close-up of Halle Berry’s butt for no real reason. It finally, mercifully ends with Patience performing an improbable slow-motion slam dunk and landing on top of Man-Sandwich suggestively in front of a bunch of schoolchildren. Those children, as well as all of us, are now dumber for having witnessed this. I award this movie no points, and may God have mercy on its soul.

Over at Beau-Line Inc, Sharon Stone looks over a bunch of pictures of New Girl and glares in anger. Her bodyguard informs her that CEO will be at the factory all afternoon, leading her to complain some more about how her marriage sucks. She then looks out the window at CEO and New Girl walking to their limbo, glares daggers at them, leans against the window in the most obviously villainous way, and breaks her shot glass. And strangely enough, her hand remains uncut…

We then cut to Patience eating tuna. A lot of tuna. Because she’s a cat now, get it? She gets a call from BFF, telling her that the doctors have prescribed her some medicine and asking about how things went with Man-Sandwich. Patience explains about the game while jumping across her room. You know, like a cat does. She tells BFF that there’s something strange going on with her, but BFF just brushes it as “lust.” Because nothing says “lust” like wanting to play with dead mice.

Later that night, the rave party next door is at it again. What exactly is the deal with this place? Don’t these people have to get up in the morning? And why is Patience the only person who seems to have a problem with it. If a group blast loud music in an apartment in real life, they’d be evicted by now. Patience angrily storms out of bed and yells at the crowd turn it down, to which Discount Triple H replies “get a life.” Yeah, I’m not sure you’re the expert on having a life there, pal. She heads over there, only to have Discount Triple H hit on her before slamming the door.

Undeterred, Patience kicks the door down, jumps up on the counter, and uses the beer tap to short out the speakers. Then she whips it in Discount Triple H’s general direction, before leaping on top of him and telling him and the rest of the party goers to keep it down. I’ll admit, this isn’t a bad scene. In a movie that isn’t supposed to be Catwoman movie, I’d actually say it’s pretty funny. But then everything else happens…

Patience then heads back to her apartment and pulls out the leather outfit BFF was talking about before. Then she… gives herself a haircut. With a pair of handscissors. Now, don’t get me wrong, I prefer short-haired Halle Berry to long- in fact her look in X-Men: The Last Stand is my favorite haircut for Storm (that’s the one that’ll finally get me some comments)- but still… she’s giving herself a haircut in front of a mirror with a pair of handscissors! And it comes out perfect! I get it, this is a superhero movie, I’ve suspended my disbelief enough to watch blind ninjas and giant robots and talking space raccoons, but this is too ridiculous. I… can’t even…

Fully decked out in her outfit, she climbs on top the motorcycle, which was apparently just sitting there for days with the keys in the ignition, and decides it’s time to accessorize. By robbing the jewelry store from before. Okay, here’s where the motives start to derail a bit. Now, in Selina Kyle’s case, in the comics at least, she stole because she was a thief and that was the only life she knew. But here, Patience steals because… cats like shiny things?

After a lengthy and nausea-inducing motorcycle ride through town (so much motion blur- also, I’ve noticed that in some of the shots it looks like she’s wearing a helmet, but in the main ones she isn’t), she arrives at the jewelry store and has a look at the necklace she wanted earlier in the day. But, she’s not the only one who thought it would be a good idea to rob this store tonight, as a gang of thieves is already inside ransacking the place.

Not backing down, she heads inside and snatches an eyemask to hide her identity. I’ve got to say, this look is not that bad. It’s certainly better than what we get later on, although that isn’t saying much. Or anything at all. She calls out to the crooks and makes a bad pun about the word “purrrrfect,” before taking them out in what I can only describe as Arkham City minus anything that makes that game good. Instead we get generic pop music, goons who miss more than the Imperial Army, and quick cuts. Seriously, the amount of quick-cuts during fight scenes in this movie is too darn high.

Patience ends this altercation by sliding across the floor on one guy like a surfboard, then jumping across the room, sliding underneath another guy, grabbing his head, and uttering “meow” before kicking him to the floor. This whole scene is… disappointing. Normally, I’d be all over a hot lady smacking dudes into next Tuesday, but I think this movie ruined that for me.

Patience wakes up the next morning to find her bed covered with stolen jewelry and immediately bags it all up to take it back to the store. All except one diamond ring and the necklace, which she puts on.

Over at the jewelry store, the owner is explaining to Detective Man-Sandwich that said necklace is a one of a kind item from Egypt. Of course. He and his partner (wait, I thought he didn’t need one, with that whole “lone wolf” thing) are investigating the crime scene when they come across the bag, with the word “Sorry” written on it in the same handwriting as the coffee cup Patience offered Man-Sandwich before. That leads to another wallbanger later on. There’s also a box of cupcakes, because I guess Patience was feeling generous.

Meanwhile, Patience Googles cats, women, and cats in history. After some false leads about women dressing their cats up in goofy hats (you want a cat uprising? That’s how you get a cat uprising), she comes across the texts and hieroglyphs from the opening credits. And that same Egyptian Mau cat in every picture she sees. So, the cat’s immortal?

She heads over to Crazy Cat Lady’s house, where the old woman explains that she was a college professor for 20 years, studying the Egyptian Mau. They are apparently the messengers of the sun/moon goddess Bast, who travel the earth looking for women to enact her will or something. She then says that her theories were denied due to “male academia.”

Okay, now I know sexism is a big problem in society, even with all the progress we’ve made so far. I’m at least feminist enough not to freak out over the main character in the current Star Wars trilogy being a woman. (Not sure if that makes me a feminist or just a freaking adult.) But I’m pretty sure Cat Lady being rejected wasn’t “male academia” as much as it was the fact that she’s a crazy cat lady who thinks cats are messengers of an ancient Egyptian goddess who brings people back from the dead with cat powers. I’m pretty sure I’d be laughed out of Penn State if I suggested that.

She goes on to tell Patience that she was chosen by Midnight because she was fated to die, or something, and that all the other times she appeared were part of a test to see if she was worthy. When Patience doesn’t believe her, Cat Lady pushes her off a railing, only for her to land on her feet. Because she’s a cat now, get it?

Cat Lady explains that the cat saved others before Patience, and pulls out the pictures to prove it. Including, you guessed it, Selina Kyle. These “catwomen” aren’t bound by the laws of society and are drawn to their own impulses. She goes on about how this is “both a blessing and a curse” and that Patience will experience “a freedom other women can only imagine.” At least until the guy in the Bat costume catches you and drags you off to Blackgate Pen, you mean. We’ve already confirmed that at least Batman Returns happened in the same universe as this movie, so he’s probably off blowing up crooks or something.

The Cat Lady hands Patience a cat mask and tells her to embrace her new life, but Patience isn’t sure. She goes to a rooftop to ponder all this, where the magic cat greets her. Patience tells her that somebody killed her, and she has to find out who and make them pay. So, this is basically The Crow, just without being good.

We then finally get our look at the infamous Catsuit, and oh boy! Yes, we’ve all at least seen the posters and commercials, you know what I’m talking about. It’s worse than you’ve imagined, with its tacky bra top, diamond encrusted claws that clash with the rest of the costume, poorly designed mask, leather pants with random tears all over the place, and open-toed, high-heeled shoes. Perfect for doing complex parkour moves! The costume is just a failure all around, and you’re going to be looking at this for a good bit of the rest of the movie, people. Catwoman runs off to find her killers, all set to some kind of by-the-numbers Beyoncé rip-off number.

So, yeah, this is horrible. If you cut out all the superhero stuff (most of which takes place in the second half, I might add,) this would be a painfully average romantic comedy. But as a super-powered revenge tale, it’s an utter fail. Bad dialogue, worse editing, and a plot that ironically falls into gender stereotypes and rom-com clichés despite the effort to be all “female empowerment” and all that. Throw in the fact that this has practically nothing to do with the classic comic book character besides the name, and you’ve got a movie that stands the test of time as a monument to how not to make a superhero film.

So, will Patience get her revenge? Who is really behind the Beau-Line conspiracy? Why am I doing this to myself? Find out next week, as we continue our review with Part Two. ‘Till then, I’ve been The Uncanny Fox. Live long, stay gold, and remember: If you see an Egyptian Mau following you around, leave town immediately. It will save your life and prevent a crappy movie about your exploits from begin made.